Forget her? Move on?

She died and was not alone during the last moments. She had her daughters and son around her during her last moments. May her soul rest in peace. She could not survive the battle against death and had to give up. The drips and all the medicines could not fight the powerful forces. Now, for us it is time to move on and forget her. She is no more. Forget her. She has been laid to rest. Forget her and move on. Inspite of me repeating the words 'Forget her, Move on!' to myself, I have not been able to either forget her or move on. ...

She was the one who gave birth to an angel- my loving mother. She was the one who held my mother in her laps and fed her with her blood. How can I forget that. As I held my son on to my shoulder and sang a lullaby, I recollected, she too would have done the same thing to my mother, to me, to my brothers. But, is there any point recollecting all this when I was not there with her during the last days nor was I there during the final moments when she was laid to rest. A 'phone call' is what I did. 'Amma, sorry to hear her go.' - I said. 'Did everybody come?', I asked. She said, 'Yes! and everybody has left too. They just waited for the funeral and left.' God! I said to myself. Why does nobody have time? I did not dare tell this to my mom. What if she asked me - 'Why did you not come?' What if she asked me - 'Why did you not come when your dad had an heart attack? Why did you not come when I had a fracture in my leg and I could not even walk with out help? You should have sent your wife to look after me!' I did not have any answers if she had asked me.

Ofcourse, I had answers. But those answers would have been from the mouth of a selfish son who does not want to sacrifice the comfort of having his wife and child around. It would have been from an unfaithful son. Amma, if I take vacation, I may be left with no job here and end up loosing a lot. Should I tell that to get her sympathy? Should I tell that so that she does not feel bad on why her son is so heartless? Will she feel dejected on the way they brought us up? or just 'Forget her, Move on ??'

A real Ghost story

Yesterday, it rained heavily and thunder was so bright that it made the moon fade for a moment. I ran into my lonley and empty house, greeted with darkness.... I rushed upstairs and dried myself.

Now that she is not here with me, this is how my usual preparation for my bedtime is: I take my cholestrol medicines before bedtime. It has a side effect that it causes flusing to my face. To avoid that I need to have yoghurt and asprin 30 minutes before I take the medicine. I make it a point to keep a table fan near me before sleeping with a auto-time of 60 minutes. After that, I put an ointment to my eye to reduce my 'corneal degeneration'. The ointment is so viscous that once I apply it, it becomes very difficult to see and I am not only colour blind (though for some reason I can not see colour at night) but also partially blind. The art of applying oinment to your eye yourself is a talent in itself and the art of reaching your bed after applying the ointment is another talent. Will talk about it sometime later.

Anyways, I did all the above rituals yesterday too but for some reason, I felt that something was not complete. Something inside me was telling that I had forgotten something. Went to my bed with a heavy foot with my eyes closed and managed to lie in the proper position where my face would get the maximum breeze from the fan. As I was about to fall asleep..... I felt somebody was there in the room. I tried to hear for any noises (remember, I can not open my eyes because of the ointment). My eyebrows took the shape of a mountain as my ear muscles and drums grew large and sensitive. I felt a shot of hot breeze hit my toes, as if somebody was breating heavily over my toes, but the breeze was so intense that I felt it was not somebody's breath but the frequency of it hitting my toes were regular. It would hit my toes and then stop for like 6 seconds and then again hit it for another 6 seconds and it continued for like 5 times. I was getting nervous. Then it stopped momentarily. Then, I felt someone touching my toes. The touch soon turned to a hold. I could now feel somebody was holding my right leg toe. I wanted to open my eyes to see, but I could not. I waited to find out what it would do next. It held my toe more harder and I could not move my leg even a bit. I now, lifted my left leg and pushed against my right toe to remove the hold but my left leg could not feel anybody holding. Suddenly it twisted my toes and I had to let go my left foot and bring it back so that I could have a grip and not roll down. It then bent my toes forward and pressed it harder and I could feel my blood flow from near my nails. There was no pain though. I do not recollect what happened after that.... when I woke up in the morning there was few drops of blood in the floor and my toe was black and bruised as if it was crushed.

Do not know what happened.

Waiting for her call

Today is Monday and I am expecting her call.
Before I go further, I would like to share a riddle/joke with you all.
'What is the opposite of STD?' (Pandi's and Mallu's will appreciate the joke). I have posted the answer at the end.
Second question, Which is right? Blind forgiveness to judicious anger?
While you think, you can read my blog .......We were born and bought up in a religious family but never ever practiced strict worshipping. I have been of late, bit more religious owing to ‘1008’ (aayirathi yetu prachanai) problems that I have been facing. I do not forget to tell my prayers before sleeping and after I wake up. But my wife is different, married only for few years now has not faced any real problems. Her marriage with me was also an easy and quick one and as such does not pray. On asking, she usually says, ‘Should I really thank God for getting you as my husband?’ ...After her pregnancy and child birth and other hormonal changes, she has been affected by memory loses. Initially, I mistook it for her laziness. But now, the problem seems to be getting serious. She forgets something or the other everyday. Whenever we go to the malls, she would either forget her Keys or Credit card or Purse or baby’s Diaper bag, or Milk bottle or something. Next day, she would call me at work and plead, 'I cannot find our house keys. Can you go to JC Penny and get it?' I will have to tell my boss some lie and get out of work earlier. Every Monday, there will be something or the other. If it were JCPenny this week, next would be Sears or Bath and Body works. If it were Keys this week, then it would be something else next week. Embarrassing indeed it is, what is more painful is that every time she looses something and until we get it back, she would have promised herself to donate $X to the temple, where X is the same variable that we studied in college & school. X would vary depending on the value of the Article lost. First thing she lost was her watch (I still do not believe her version of loosing and I think she intentionally threw it away), then, she had promised that she would make me ‘fast’ for a day. Then, she lost our marriage ring (I still do not believe her version of loosing this too and I think she intentionally threw it away), she promised that she would make me 'fast' for every Saturday for a year. Saturday being a weekend was usually the party time with my hi-spirited friends where drinks and non-veg was unlimited in addition to all the cigarettes. Now that I have stopped drinking, smoking and non-veg, she no longer promises that. Now it is the $$. What surprises me is that she never forgets those incidents where I had spoken rudely to my mother-in-law or looked secretly at the girl next door. ...Harsh words and arguments being the root of every conflict in the world, I have chosen blind forgiveness to judicious anger to all her acts, meanwhile, praying that her hormonal level comes back to normal and also that she be not so religious.
Today, being Monday.... I am still waiting for her call....

The answer to my riddle -- Opposite of 'S T D ' is 'No Coffee Da' ...

Gowri Kalyanam

Gowri was the only daughter of her blind and old parents. They had a late marriage which could be because of their physical disability and they had this beautiful daughter when they were in their 40's. Gowri was of my age, we both grew up together but under completely different family atmosphere and circumstances. In spite of us being neighbors we hardly spoke or looked directly at each other. Our village - Karnapuram was very orthodox. The village had a mixture of Malayalees and Tamil Brahmins who were called Palakkad Iyers. She was a Palakkad iyer. There was nothing common between us. Nothing at all. We used to fetch water from the same well, bathe in the same pond, go to the same temple, go to the same market,but,the language she spoke was different, the people with whom she mixed were different, the looks she had was different, the food she ate was different. Everything was different.

Gowri was a very beautiful girl since childhood. Her parents being blind, not much care was taken of her. We used to see elderly women going in and out of their house and I guessed they were helping her parents. Her father was a very good classical singer. A taxi would come once a week to pick him up for the 'kacheri'. Gowri would stand beside the wooden pillar. She never wore a dress. The only dress I had seen her put was her under wear. Her mother being blind, I guess, never realized that she was growing up. She did not go to school. I used to see her playing naked in the streets making mud castles when I returned from school. She too, like her father, used to sing nicely. She was like a nightingale. Her songs would fill the whole street. Her favorite was the 'Kaanthanodu chenu melle killi morzhi suchamihavada...' from Swathithirunal. My eyes would be filled with tears whenever I heard her sing that song. She used to sing it quite often and this song became my favorite too. I used to think if she indeed had a 'beloved' whom she wanted to convey her feelings. She never met anybody, whom did she wait for? Who was that? I would forget that thought when she sang the next song and I would get immersed in her next song. The songs she sang always had great lyrics and words, words like - 'Iswarande nidhi' (God's treasure), 'Thingalam uyarnu vannu, chenkanal choriyunnu...'(Moon's soft light is like burning redhot flame). She was good in 'handi-crafts' too. She made flowers out of papers that would fool even a bee. She painted well, so well that it would put the rainbow to shame. Such was she!

One magic day, I saw her all dressed up. She looked like an angel. She was covered with 'pattu paavada'(silk skirt). The exposing body parts like her hand were covered with 'Manjal'(Turmeric). Her palm was decorated with 'myilanji'(Mehndi). Her forehead had 'sindoorum and chandanam' like a rising sun (sindoor and sandlewood paste). Her eyes sparkled like a diamond. The bangles in her hand were like waterfall. Smile like a light wave. It was her 'Thirandu Kalyanam' - the day of her puberty.

She no longer could be seen naked. She no longer could be seen playing. She no longer could be seen hanging on to her father's shoulder. Only sign of her ambrosial presence was the celestial ko-lam(colorful patterns with rice powder). How I wished I could attend Gowri's kalyanam (marriage) too. Wonder how beautiful she would be looking!!!